Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My dad is at it again
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.