Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My dog ate my work from home.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating