Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The struggle is real
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.