Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The struggle is real
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”