MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
5 ways to appear taller
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma