Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.