Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?