Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”