Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.