Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
You Might Also Like
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.