Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Check out the legs on this baby
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
What legos do when we’re not looking.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
money maker
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.