Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.