Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
You Might Also Like
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My dream car is a taco truck.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.