Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.