Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.