Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
my one true gender
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome