Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
idk what he going thru but i feel him
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
c’mon!