I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You Might Also Like
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter
wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?
me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[First day as a surgeon]
[Last day as surgeon]
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”