Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Always the vampires
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.