@better_off_dad

Marriage…

….when optimism gets out of control.

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@MomOfTeen

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone