Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“No way.” -Jose
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ