In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
….when optimism gets out of control.
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Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: I’m gonna be late
Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*