Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

sometimes we need to be reminded

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

my nickname in college

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”