Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

happy mother’s day❤️

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

I think I’m having a stroke

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Spider-cat: No One Home

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist