Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
You Might Also Like
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Worst Native American name ever.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Google assistant rules
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.