I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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The first rule of cliff hanger club is
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
This post-pregnant lady found the perfect way to shed her baby-belly by giving birth! Scientists and non-pregnant ladies HATE her!!!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms