@BubblesnBooze

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

- @BubblesnBooze

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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

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@anniemalistics

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@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

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Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

@bibliophileq

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

@funflaps

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ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine