Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH