Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

Me :

All Day At Night

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*