Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

my name if I was in the mob

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.