Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!