Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

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Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.


“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy


Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.


My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no