Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.
I want a sex change.
From “none” to “some”.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no