Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
What?!?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
the best thing i’ve ever made
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.