Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing