Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”