Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?