Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far