Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

yes, those are my real potatoes.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.