Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Not even remotely sorry.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.