Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin