Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?