Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Software Development ⛵️
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.