Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.