Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person