Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

brian had himself a morning…

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Storm Tropical Storm

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.