[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I think my mom just blocked me
