[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You Might Also Like
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭