“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You Might Also Like
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.
So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.
cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”