[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.


Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”


My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary.

So, I brought donuts along this time but I can’t find the microwave oven.


Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome


at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so


[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.


Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?


Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.


Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”