[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
O Wise One….
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you