[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating