Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

next question.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.