Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy