Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.