Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Finally! 😈
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.