Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb