Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.