Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong