Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

Jogging

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra