Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

Canadian owl: Eh?

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.