Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Is….Is this an option?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*