Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
crochet youtube is brutal
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Best seat on the street 😍
This could’ve been an email.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*