Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Who does Amazon think I am?

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did