Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*cough*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I think the cat got the dog high.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
That 👊
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
