Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P