Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
