Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

channeling her this year

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.