Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Life cycle of cat

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!