Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My god she’s good.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.