Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

ugh not again

necessity is the mother of invention

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.