Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

#CatsOnTwitter