Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek