Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Very good news from my accountant

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

This made me smile…