Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
You Might Also Like
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
broke down and did it
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
When ur friends with white people
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks