Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.