Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?