[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
You Might Also Like
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.