Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Cheer up.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise