[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“Why you watching this shit?”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad